Q: If I’m in bed in the morning, relaxing and minding my own business, what am I supposed to do when my spouse gets up and makes her side of the bed while I’m still in it?
M.W., Caulfield South, Vic
A: In fairness to your spouse, you may be a sluggish Jabba the Hutt-type who hangs around in bed all the time, wallowing in your own secretory filth, and your poor spouse has to regularly tip you sideways with a forklift so she can rub ointment on your ulcerating bed sores.
And in fairness to you, your spouse may be a tyrannical Nurse Ratched-type who makes the bed before you get up, washes the dishes before dinner is finished, and leaves early in a lovemaking session to scrub all the bedsheets and soak her body in a Borax bath.
And in fairness to both of you, you may be a pair of passive-aggressive dipstick types who are sending each other unsubtle messages of self-superiority.
You’re trying to say to her, “Why can’t you be more like me? A relaxed, chilled Zen master who is attaining profound levels of higher consciousness” (while wallowing in your own secretory filth until noon). And she’s trying to say to you, “Why can’t you be more like me? A perky, motivated go-getter who wants to fill every moment of life with meaningful activity” (as she carefully places 15 pillows on her side of the bed in a complex arrangement of size, texture and palette tone).
Sometimes, couples should just let each other be. She should let you lie around. You should let her make her side of the bed. It’s good for the relationship. And the moment she steps out of the bedroom, jerk up your knees and mess up all the sheets again, for your own amusement. If you can muster the energy.